Hear No Evil
by KeianaLunae
Summary: In which Sheppard and Mitchell say things, O'Neill and Landry overhear things, and Lorne is the greatest XO in two galaxies (so far). The OverLorne should probably be feared, and should definitely not be given more power. Also, cake. [One-shot] [SGA&SG-1 Crossover] [Occasional swearing] [Lorne, Sheppard, Mitchell, O'Neill, Landry]


_This is just a humourous little SG-1/SGA crossover snippet that popped into my head a while back (I blame Azolean and her love of the OverLorne) and wouldn't go away till I wrote it down. I drafted it, sent it off for beta, and promptly forgot that it existed until Vadercat asked me so nicely the other day for more one-shot stories. I dug into my archive and found this, beta'd and ready to go! All my miniony love to Redtail53, who never says no to a beta request and who worked some amazingly speedy photoshop magic to assist in creating the cover art as well.  
_

 _Rated T for language because it contains a few colourful expletives._

 _Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or Stargate SG-1; I do not own any of the original series' characters who appear/are mentioned in this story (Sheppard, Lorne,_ _ _Mitchell_ , O'Neill, Landry, McKay, Walter)_ _; all rights belong to the original creators of this fantastic series which I adore; I write only for fun and derive no remuneration from this._

* * *

Briefing Room, SGC, Earth:

"It happened once. _Once_. And I was sixteen and stupid. Never doing that again."

General Jack O'Neill stopped at the sound of Major Evan Lorne's voice drifting out of the SGC's briefing room. Behind him, General Hank Landry had to pull up short to avoid walking into him but didn't give away their presence by asking why they had suddenly halted in the passageway. This was the SGC. You had to just go with it, most of the time.

"So you learned your lesson and became a model student and upstanding citizen." The amused drawl belonged to Colonel Cameron Mitchell.

"Upstanding?" Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard sounded disbelieving. "I'm not so sure about that." Mitchell chuckled. There was a rustling of papers that moved across the room

"I'm standing up, aren't I?" Lorne deadpanned. O'Neill twisted back and grinned at Landry. The other general just raised his brow, clearly not amused by either Lorne's bad joke or O'Neill's intention to eavesdrop on three of their officers.

"Not after tonight, you won't be." Sheppard sounded like he was smirking. There was a loud thump as a stack of file folders slapped down onto the table.

"There won't be a tonight if you don't get these files done," Lorne said, and Sheppard groaned.

"I seriously doubt the world is going to end if you don't finish this admin _today_ , Major." Mitchell drawled, amused.

"Seriously, Lorne, we don't have to do this here, _and_ I can think of ten better ways to go about this than having to painstakingly trawl through each and every one of those idi..." Sheppard trailed off mid-sentence and then coughed.

There was a silence from the room, and Landry shifted as though he wanted to move past O'Neill, but Jack held up a hand and stopped him.

"Umm..." Mitchell said.

"I have a meeting with the supply office now about those unfilled requisitions that we need before we leave tomorrow, and then I'm going to see Dr Jackson for an update on relations with the Unas," Lorne said calmly. "When I get back in three hours, I'll be available to review the final candidate list with you, sir." He was clearly addressing Sheppard.

There was another odd silence.

"Sounds... reasonable," Sheppard responded morosely. O'Neill blinked.

"Colonel Mitchell, I understand that you and Colonel Sheppard have a lot to catch up on. I'm sure he'd appreciate your company. And, since you've been working with a lot of these people, perhaps you could assist Colonel Sheppard by providing valuable insights and opinions that can't be found in the files. Your input could make a huge difference, sir." Lorne was unfailingly polite.

"Oh, umm, I think I have a meeting but... ahh. I umm... I'll help where I can, Major?" Mitchell sounded like he wasn't sure if he felt complimented or confused. Maybe both.

"Excellent! Three hours, then, sir. Colonels." Lorne's voice resonated as he excused himself and was followed by the sound of footsteps going down the staircase to the control room.

Landry shifted again, and O'Neill held up a finger to indicate that he should wait. Landry gave O'Neill a look bordering between impatient and disapproving, but O'Neill held firm, so Landry shifted back and indulged the Head of Homeworld Security yet again. There was another long silence from the room, eventually broken by Mitchell's somewhat disbelieving voice.

"Did he just... "

"Yeah," Sheppard muttered.

"How in tarnation did he _do_ that?" Mitchell again.

"I told you he's a sneaky motherfucker."

Landry blinked, and O'Neill smirked.

"No, you said he was, and I quote, "an evil bastard" and all he did was _look_ at you right then," Mitchell threw back.

Landry's eyebrows went up, and O'Neill's smirk grew somewhat.

"That too." Sheppard sounded outright despondent.

"You do realise that you outrank him, right?" Mitchell's tone was dry.

"Has anybody told _him_ that? He makes me do paperwork for at least _two hours every day_ , Cam," Sheppard whined. There was a rough shuffling of papers.

"He's a _Major_ , a pretty chilled out one at that. He can't _make_ you do anything," Mitchell informed Sheppard.

"He's pure evil," Sheppard declared, and there was more shuffling and slapping of paper folders. "He's ridiculously competent and personable and friendly and charming and hard-working and trustworthy and he took my goddamned Rubik's cube and he's excellent at first contact and trade negotiations and rescue missions and flying jumpers and handling the geeks plus he took my yo-yo and if he wasn't doing such an insanely good job I would find a way to send him back because I'm sure whoever he was working for before me figured this out too and took advantage of the opportunity to foist the best XO they've ever had off on someone else and get him as far away from Earth as possible because that man could take over the entire galaxy without anybody objecting or even noticing that they were being ruled by the friendliest form of sheer, unmitigated evil in existence."

O'Neill had to fight against laughter, and Landry's expression had gone so far beyond stunned he was positively unreadable. It was the most serious rant they'd ever heard come out of Sheppard and was made all the more hilarious by the mountains of annoyed praise the Colonel was heaping on his apparently evil XO.

There were a few more seconds of silence.

"I think you've been spending too much time with McKay," Mitchell drawled. O'Neill had to agree.

"Are you going to help, or not?" Sheppard sniped. O'Neill definitely had to agree.

"He took your Rubik's cube?"

There was a huff. "I can't prove anything," Sheppard admitted grudgingly. "Not the yo-yo either."

"Not that I'm saying you shouldn't do your paperwork, because you should, but doesn't it seem a little... extreme... to blame it all on Lorne?"

"Nope." Sheppard declared.

Mitchell snorted.

* * *

"You're bringing the beer tonight, right?" Sheppard enquired, and Landry raised a brow at the sudden change in topic.

"Yeah"

"And you're bringing potato salad too?"

"Yeah, my grandma's recipe. Nothing beats it," Mitchell declared cheerfully.

"And you said something about pie?"

"My mama's peach cobbler pie. It's fantastic. Carter is bringing... something involving vegetables that nobody is going to eat. And Cadman's baking a chocolate cake," Mitchell quipped. O'Neill's expression peaked at the mention of cake.

"And we're taking your car to pick up the steaks and get ice cream?"

"Yeah, Teal'c found this really great local butchery where he usually gets steak but he's offworld with the Jaffa Council on Dakara so I said I'd go instead. Besides, it's on the way," Mitchell offered.

"And we're having it at Ackerman's place?"

"Yeah, he's got a mean grill and a nice back yard," Mitchell explained.

"And Deerborne is making punch, and Jackson is bringing snacks, and..."

"Why are we running through all the arrangements for tonight's barbeque?" Mitchell interrupted.

"We're using your car, and we're buying the beer, the steaks, and the ice cream, and you started baking and cooking last night already to have the pie and potato salad ready in time," Sheppard emphasised.

"Yeah, so?"

"How did you end up so involved?" Sheppard quizzed.

"Jackson, Ackerman and I were in the gym yesterday afternoon and Lorne came looking for you, actually, and he was kind enough to invite us to this little shindig of yours," Mitchell explained.

There was a protracted silence, and Landry looked expectantly at O'Neill, clearly tired of hovering in a corridor listening to his subordinates whinge about paperwork and details for parties they would never be invited to.

"Aww hell..." Mitchell muttered. "He didn't."

"I told you, pure evil."

"I'm going to kick his ass!" Mitchell groaned.

Sheppard snorted. "For what, exactly? Arranging a great party on short notice and delegating food and other responsibilities across the participants?"

"I'm getting outta here while I still can." Mitchell's chair rolled back as he stood up.

"You sure about that?" Sheppard's tone was cautionary.

"You just don't want to do all this work alone," Mitchell pointed out, annoyed.

"Of course I don't, but you already told Lorne you would help," Sheppard said calmly as he flipped open a folder.

"What's the worst that could happen?" Mitchell asked, cautiously.

"You really don't want to find out," Sheppard advised.

Mitchell sighed, and there was a squeak as he sat down again and rolled his chair back to the table.

"I think you've been spending too much time with Lorne, too."

"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Here. You should probably start with these. They've all got the gene." Sheppard slid some folders across the table to Mitchell.

Landry eyed O'Neill. This had gone on long enough for his liking. Major Lorne's ability to wrangle Sheppard was interesting, but they _had_ sent him out there to try to keep Sheppard out of trouble and help get the paperwork up to scratch. In his mind, the Major was doing the job he had been given.

"He's a _Major_. We outrank him. It really can't be that hard." Mitchell sounded exasperated. O'Neill was grinning again, but he motioned toward Landry's office, indicating that they should backtrack and go in there instead. He didn't move, though.

"I don't think it matters what rank he is," Sheppard replied. "The OverLorne is pure evil. If I wasn't certain he wasn't a snakehead I might be concerned, but... maybe he has superpowers."

"Superpowers?" Mitchell sounded somewhere between concerned and cynical.

"Can't rule anything out in the Stargate program, Cam," Sheppard idly replied.

"Don't I know it. At least he's on our side," Mitchell mentioned as O'Neill and Landry turned to leave.

"For now," Sheppard hedged.

"Well, then we should try to keep it that way, shouldn't we?" Mitchell suggested thoughtfully. "Maybe we should promote him."

"Are you _trying_ to get me killed?" Sheppard exclaimed.

* * *

O'Neill and Landry had slipped into the office and Landry shut the door a bit harder than was strictly necessary. Through the glass window separating them from the conference room, Landry could see Sheppard and Mitchell look towards the office at the sound and take note of his and O'Neill's arrival. The pair glanced at each other briefly and then Mitchell flipped open the top folder on his pile while Sheppard studiously gazed back down at the one he was holding.

O'Neill turned so that his back was to the window, and grinned unrepentantly at Landry.

"Time to process a promotion, whaddya say, Hank?"

"I think the only difference between you and the Major is subtlety, Jack." Hank sighed. It was impressive, though, that Lorne could handle not only his own CO but had also apparently wrangled Mitchell, who was two grades higher and lived a galaxy away, into doing paperwork that wasn't even his, and other things too.

He sat down at his desk and opened up his laptop.

"We could at least check to see if Lorne is near the zone yet," O'Neill hinted as he sank down into one of the visitor chairs, and Landry had to remind himself that O'Neill was technically his boss, and didn't have to ask.

His email program pinged loudly, and he was surprised to see a message from Major Lorne pop up.

"Well, speak of the devil."

"What is it?" O'Neill asked, and Landry clicked on the message to open it. His eyes skimmed over the contents, and he couldn't suppress the amused chuckle.

"It's from Major Lorne. We've been invited to a steak barbeque this evening with Carter, Jackson, Mitchell, Sheppard, and a few others," he wryly informed O'Neill.

"I hear there's gonna be cake," O'Neill announced impassively. "... What do we have to contribute to this little shindig?"

"Nothing," Landry declared. "According to the invitation, everything's taken care of. We just have to show up and enjoy the fruits of everyone else's labour."

"Just the way I like it," O'Neill cheerfully replied as he patted down his pockets, and pulled out his cellphone. "I'm going to go find Carter and discuss this vegetable nonsense." He stood up.

"I thought you were here to see Colonel Mitchell about the F-302 training program?" Landry cocked an eyebrow at O'Neill.

"And ruin _Lieutenant Colonel Lorne's_ beautiful handiwork?" O'Neill gestured at the boardroom next door where Sheppard and Mitchell appeared to be arguing over one of the files.

"Jack..." Landry said warningly.

"I'll be back in an hour to sign the paperwork, Hank. Gotta call Henry real quick. They're leaving for Atlantis again tomorrow, and what more fitting opportunity to reward the _good_ _Major_ for all his hard work than at the very one he has presented us?" O'Neill smirked as he opened the door.

Landry could only shake his head as O'Neill swiftly departed.

Landry hit the reply button, and RSVP'd in the positive for both him and O'Neill. He didn't want to miss the expression on Sheppard's face at his 'good' evil XO's promotion to light bird. He then reached into the bottom drawer of his desk and dug around. He quickly found what he was searching for, and lifted it out. Maybe they were all a little evil, deep inside, he thought, as he grinned at the blue yo-yo that had been confiscated from O'Neill several years before. Jack still blamed the Tok'ra for its mysterious disappearance.

Hammond had never said, but Landry would bet a pretty penny that it had been Walter who had orchestrated and carried out the evil misdeed. Walter was good like that, too. He dropped it back into the drawer, shut it, and picked up the phone. He had rank insignia to requisition, and paperwork to fill out for the promotion of one good Major Evan 'OverLorne'.

Good people deserve to be rewarded.

It simply depended on your definition of evil.


End file.
